Rendering me from within

… these emotions have already made its way unto the very depths of me.. cast away my frigid shade i lie open.. too vulnerable to pain.. as i walked tirelessly this cascade of unending spiral stair case.. forbidding myself to rest and seek to pave.. for a stretch of time that i call rest may render me within.. and that time i fear it might be the last sonata that we will sing.. too soon it will.. but forever it must not be..

.. the summoning of September draws near..echoes of voices too weak.. comes forth the whisperers of shattering regrets that had tried to relentlessly shaken the very earth i stand.. these tongues will never part me.. let them try.. but they cannot penetrate this over flowing chalice of our forbidden.. the blood that runs inside me is the same as the veins that is in every part of you.. as it runs flowing within me.. so does these ill thoughts that will try and manifest itself to stop the stream..infest and defile the purity of my blood.. it will try and shackle me within the abyss of loneliness and sorrow.. i will not abide to their will to invoke then detest my faith in you.. they may have rendered me within.. but my soul knows to whom my vessel kneels and speak.. to the only one who can make me the weakest of weak.. and with it.. my faith fears them not.

…you.. to whom i trust.. to whom i laid open my all.. to whom i have given my ankh.. is where encore knocks and opens.. it matters me not as to how many doors i have slammed open to get across.. how many bridges i have and will collapse to crush those who dare corrupt this forbidden dream that we both seek….of how many times i may be called bad and jealous by you..for it can and will never out number the times that i took the pain in.. and then took it out.. so that i can take more from you..we both had swallowed each others pain.. both of us.. rendered from within..

but for you..i am ready to do it over and over again..

.. to understand.. one must sacrifice.. one must give.. receive.. sin… forgive.. lie.. accept.. then listens to every truth behind the unmasking pain of reality and the deliverance of doubts and sadness.. salvation from pain may mean death of the heart.. but the only mistake when one heeds to understand… is the word that i have sealed after a long rendering path..never to unlock.. fearing the time to come….

…”let go”

never be fooled by these words.. they may mean salvation.. they may mean deliverance.. but a double edge word commits suicide.. and suicide leads to death.. one that will totally render you from within.. and when it renders.. it will not stop.. till it gets to the core of your very being.. your heart.

i have sealed this..i dare not be tempted by sadness and pain… they will only be there for a time.. but at the end of the day.. they will not be there with you to celebrate your regrets.

.. the reaper may soon come… and “death of the heart” it brings to anyone it passes through.

…none is spared from this rendering fate. but all will be given a chance:

to stop the chase and surrender yourself..
then let it rip you asunder…

-or to run..
to run and run..
 while it endlessly stabs you at the back.. an inescapable fate…

… many have been rendered a hundred times… and many times have they been able to escape from the reapers fate… they who have lived to tell the story.. are left with the scars unseen by any eye..

"i too have ran many times from the reaper..

i too have already been rendered..

and the only thing that gave me more strength to run..

is you.."- Scape

… knowing that i am running…together with you..

let it render us..even if we don't know where this path will take us..let it stab us at the back..but let it know this one thing…
every time you fall.. i will stop..

i will pull you up..

so that we can run together again..i know you too had been pulling me up..every time i went down from all the stabs..

....for no matter what happens along the way..

I WILL NOT LET YOU GO.

a tale of two rings

A RING ALONE

LOST..

a pair you threw..

a seal i broke.

what used to be binded by the very essence of
beginning had been unbinded by the banishing of the rings.kept us both entangled for too long to suffocate us. "we made every half-made ark to float all the tides

that came since we sailed these unknown forbidden

but each had to carry different weights and finally

it took its toll. together with it the rings sank unto

the depths of the clearest water resting within the

embrace of the earth and time soon took it in her womb."- Scape

deeper within her it rested..

a ring thought never to be found again..

LOST..

the pain you gave..

the sorrow i brought.

just when we thought the reaper had left that night,

it came back..

this time it was not alone.

 with him was:

pride

rage

and the highest of all source..

jealousy

i did ran..

but this time you didn’t picked me up..

you fell ahead..

i cant go anymore to where you are..

you fell far away from me..

and so the reaper took us both..

it slashed me from the back..

then..

you from the front.

bleeding from the cut i took the last will to take you

back to your place. my blood was not an unending fountain and

sooner all the red that was used to feel me with warmth

drained up unto the very last drop. i became the undead.

numbed and lost the sight of light. all that was inside

me now was emptiness and the darkness that was slowly

eating my heart. i walked right back home with nothing

with me back but the earth was my sign..

she knew the white bull than anyone els..

she conceived the rings from within her..

and gave warmth to it..

hoping to turn me back

to the human i was before.

but only one came out..

and i felt warmth again..

but with my humanity all emotions too came back.

every painful feeling pierced right trough me..

this time i felt the END on every tip of my fingers.

i want you back

NO..

...i need you back.

then dawn gave me the strength to find you.

i ran to you..

but you were heading to the crossroads

i ran to you..

but you were heading to the clearest water

there i took the chance

to have you back.

we can never be like how we were before..

but we can be better than what we used to be.

all the stars above us witnessed again

just like the first time i asked you to be with me..

with the blessings of your sign beneath us.

the water sign had always been with us

and the rain..

it was meant for us.

…

i took my ring..

and wore it on you.

…

though the earth meant it for me..

but my humanity now needs no other warmth

but you..

i want you to be human again..

i know you too were numbed by the reapers scythe.

but until i searched for the other part..

the ring..

LOST

strip right through my bone

somewhere on the way..

i know

the other ring

your ring

still lies alone.

The days without you.

Here i am again..

wiping the tears that just won't stop falling since i started writing this.. 
for you.

only the last memory of you and me was whats left inside this drowned heart..

...... 
… on that early morning

on that ~jeepney was the last..

or will it be..

the last that i was..
right beside you..
......  

the whole time on that ride we never said anything to each other..

like strangers that never crossed each others path…

can't even look at each others faces..

and if i can..

"the pain makes me want to look away..

look away and wipe the slightest tear that i kept so hard from falling down my eyes..

because an insensitive man doesn't know how to cry"-Scape
......  

but after i left you that day..

after i took you to where you should be..

i walked away…

as fast as i can..

far away from you..

i don't want you to see how an insensitive man cries..

no i don't..

because i know who i am to you..

the most insensitive person that you ever knew.
......  

i walked away..

but don't know where to go..

i wanna shout and tell the world~
THAT I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!

i wanna smile and tell myself that i will be better off alone…

i wanna feel okay..

i wanna..

i wanna keep on crying..

Because i can't pretend that there's something wrong with my life..

that right now I'm living my life..

without you.

...... 

Here i am again..

wiping the tears that just won't stop falling since i started writing this.. for you.

and all those songs that reminded me of you was more than enough to keep me so cold and blue..

when i met you..

for your babies..

in my life..
......   

they where my lullaby's when i used to sleep without you..

now these songs will be here with me..

to keep we awake every night thinking of you.

Because ever since i knew…

that you can live without me..

and you know that i can't
......   

how i wish i could tell you that~
I TOO CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!

how i wish you would need me like i needed you..

how i wish..

i wish that it was still you.

that i wished to be with..

for the rest of my life.

but for now..

know that i have loved you too.

and that i can still love you more..

......  

Here i am again..

wiping the tears that just won't stop falling since i started writing this..
for you.

 ......  
Because i know today..

will be The first longest night..

first saddest moment..

loneliest hour..

 tearful days..

that i will go through in this relationship..

without you.

Just my story.

... a lonely heart once wished for someone to love.

every night the heart stares at the sky hoping one falling star would pass by.....
one night a bright white star heard the hearts plea..

and granted the heart the love he long desired.

.. love came and brought color to hearts life

...not a single day did the heart stopped beating for the love he found...
 love and heart realized how destiny played a role in their lives..

for long before they met each other..

the places where love was..
the heart was there.

... on a rainy day in the 7th day on the 9th of the month, love and heart became one.
...memories were born and binded the life of both love to heart..
they lived a life together by place and time..

to where the heart goes the love follows...
 they were inseparable.

... but one day love grew tired of hearts suffocating grasp...
 love found listen along the way and flew away with him choosing listen over heart leaving heart broken and aching...

every minute of every hour the heart cries and cries yearning for love...

but no matter how heart tries to win love back..

love had already fallen for listen....

.. the heart fought giving everything hes got to make love see him again.
 ....sleepless nights and restless days heart searches for love again never stopping even if he had already forsaken himself..

the heart would wait outside loves gate asking for 2nd chance..

but once inside the house.. love was not there.

... heart went crazy begging for a chance

he tried and tried until his tears run dry

tried and tried until hes feelings numb

tried and tried until he hurt his friends

tried and tried until nothing was left for him..

....but still the love he fought for was not there.

.. the heart knew what was going on love is happy now with listen..

"but heart blinded his eyes and fought again to get love back. ....in the end, hearts efforts gave him more pain,
 ...so the heart, only wanting love's happiness, decided to let love go and accept the fact.. that love is gone."-scape

... once again lonely..

the broken heart wishes to love no more and picked up the pieces he threw away for love...
heart tried to be happy alone but emptiness was growing inside him.

...yet one day love came knocking at hearts door..

love saw the heart that once gave colors to loves life and let go of listen.
...memories woke up love and made love see what love had lost.
 ...heart who is now moving on cannot leave love alone heart in spite the pain still cares for love. 

broken heart flew back to love

...the heart became foolish..

and so the foolish heart talks to love...

sits beside love and watches over love sleeping...

hoping that one day love will be over listen..

for the heart knew that listen once brought a moment of color

to loves life..

....foolish heart..

that loved love immeasurable..

silently weeps as heart knew that being foolish...

was all the heart needed to make love stay.

Heart how foolish can you be for love?

this is the love of my~ foolish heart.

foolish heart.

This was meant for you.

Its been so long since i made another love song..

How long have we been apart?
at times we tried to reunite..
but the walls..
those strings..
and the time..
- were against us-

the undying and overflowing cup...
The warm caress of blissful nights..
together we embraced the sweetest thing..
- until 'they' came-

You sin.
I sin.
We are a Sin.
yet these sins that embodies our very fears
can never fathom the most beautiful part that we made
the manifestation of happiness and pain for the long years we shared
- the memories of I and you-


... I have never loved again
and so did you..


We held hands still..
yet we do not kiss anymore..
we share our fears..
yet we no longer dry each others tears..

we fall..
you picked me up..
i pull you back..
then we fall again.
and over again..

we are a threat..

we are a pain to others..

we are the epitome of 'chance'

we are free and wild..

but i love you so.
- I love you still

your have always been mine
and even then i was always yours..

the time is drawing near..
tomorrow we celebrate again
the love that never did end

... and so this love song i will sing tonight
the greatest love i have been..
is you..
and will always be
my baby..

-this was meant for you."

Severely amputated from a decapitated Life.

WHY!?

... sometimes the truth is better left unsaid.

I cannot tell you what frightens me the most..

nor must you know all the lies that i call friends

and you will not understand why my life is a  BUT!?

for no one will.. no one must! and no one can..

I fell.. 

Then life said WHERE?!

no wonder it never gave its hand to help.

I just have to get out on my own..

i tightly grip on any grass i can hold
these weeds that i once pulled out of my life..
now desperately i searched for what was left from them..

... it was just looking back at me
hoping i would understand its stare

i couldn't shout..

NO!

life was just not fair..

I need to get out of here..
away from this..
... this unfortunate place.

then life whispered something..
so clear was it that it echoed from the bowels of my pit.
"dont bitch on me"

then i suddenly saw life..
..beheaded

by WHO?!

you would not believe..
life was never the judge of Fate.

Life was a child
the "Jeux de Infantes"
and we are but little additions to his playground.

..then a big hand pulled me up.
i never saw anyone when i surfaced
..except the decapitated life

who's hand was it?

and from far away..

if my eyes don't fail me
to my amazement i saw you too..
life was there with you..
HOW?!

were you shaking hands with it?
or was it taking something from you?

then i saw Life on every person..
i even saw my Dads life chaining him to a tree..

.. then i realized, all of us have our own life to face.

and mine was dead on the ground.
about to leave..
life grab me by the foot

and from his weak hands
slashed my leg..

so deep was the cut..
that the blood came out like spring
and the leg detached itself from me..

i remember crawling to the ground..
grasping for air..

i left my leg..

and crawled as far as i can...

away from the scene.

then someone pulled me up again..
LIFE!?
.. there were alot of them

now i see..

it held me by the shoulder..
and just smiled.

.. now with a new life
together we walk again on the path..
would it still

.. in spite loosing a leg.
at least i have a new one now.
a new life..

everyone needs a LIFE partner
are you good with yours?